• Domenica

Every journey is different 👪😣😆😐

Updated: Jan 16, 2018

As I sit here on the couch reminiscing of what I used to do before my husband got home from work I’d probably be in the kitchen cooking up a storm and snapping pictures as I work...…but now I am sitting on the couch watching Ellen and watching Scarlett sleep…(sleep when the baby sleeps) that isn’t real. I’m sorry it just isn’t and if someone says that to me one more time…😐 she falls asleep for a whole 15 minutes and by the time you settle yourself oh HI MOMMY I AM AWAKE AGAIN!

So…no I really don’t sleep when she sleeps because I am either taking our pug Maddie outside to do her business or I am doing my business, taking a shower or just sitting by myself for 5 minutes to collect my thoughts.

Anyways….what was I saying? oh yes priorities. Our priorities are different now. As I wrote in my last post “Motherhood is the toughest job” my husband described it well “its a new career you’ve started without any training involved and minimal direction” He figured this analogy last weekend when I was in my best friend’s wedding and I was gone from 9am until 12am that day (he was with the babe all day…Daddy bonding time I call it) but is it really Daddy bonding time when the father of your baby is with your child? It sounds like fun, doesn’t it? When I am with Scarlett it’s not “Mommy bonding time” its life, it’s reality it’s my job…I do not want to sound ungrateful and by no means am I complaining I am just comparing the 2 when Daddy is home its bonding time (fun times!!) when it’s just the 2 of us its really nothing to it you know? Just like any other day. This my friends is my dilemma and what I suffer with on a daily basis. I suffered PPD (postpartum depression) and sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer this little girl. Most days are dark. I don’t see days as fun (sometimes, not always!!) And that is why I believe when my husband is home watching our daughter its “fun and exciting” a novelty if you wish but with me its boring…so to help combat this difficult and depleting sickness I fill our days with walks to the park with our pug Maddie, Mommy and Me fitness classes, watching Ellen, having dance parties and watching Mommy cook in the kitchen, PHEW! days are exhausting but if I am not busy my mind plays tricks and gets the better of me so that is why we stay busy. When I wake up every morning I look out the window and decide whether or not I am going to wear dark colored glasses or rose colored glasses. I choose happiness and laughter and smiles…sometimes it turns to tears and the feeling of helplessness BUT! There are more brighter days than dark🌞🌝 It is getting a lot better…I’d say the first 3 months are by far the toughest. Ever since having Scarlett I have been seeing my Psychiatrist (has helped me 100%) every week, definitely something I suggest to anyone suffering silently. Do not be ashamed. Be proud that you are strong enough to seek help.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and the silver lining is is that we have a gorgeous little girl that is full of life and joy. She is our miracle.

It is a whole new life (however I remember our old one quite well and miss it very much), it begins the minute you are discharged from the hospital. BAM! You come in single (with your partner) leave with kid (s) instant family. Arriving home from the hospital wasn’t exactly how I had imagined it in my head. I was depressed. I was miserable and felt extremely alone. Everyone came over (my parents, our siblings, my inlaws…) DON’T DO IT! If I can go back, I’d just have my husband and I. I wasn’t bonding with our baby, everyone else was but not me, her mother her sole caregiver. It was hard for me to build that connection with her and I feel it truly didn’t happen until she was 6,7 weeks. I saw her in a different light and I believe she saw me in a different light as well because I became closer to her if that makes any sense. We do not know our babies.Yes we carry them for 9..sometimes 10 months (do the math) but we don’t know them, we have to get to know them. We have to learn their personalities and they need to learn ours. It’s a relationship a bond. So that is why I struggled at the beginning because I didn’t know how to bond with her…noone tells you how and this “motherly instinct” they say we all have…we don’t, yes we learn it but that is after we learn about our children (and when do we fully understand them?!).

To end off this post I’d like to leave you with something: What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger, they never said it would be easy but my God is it ever worth it.

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