• Domenica

I hope one day she learns who I was before I became her mother…

Updated: Jan 16, 2018

Anthony and I were driving home one night from Starbucks and it hit me “our daughter will have never seen who we were before we had her” I talk to some people and ask them if they remember whom they were before children, and the response is always (and I still to this day don’t get it) “I don’t remember my life without my baby/children” COME ON! I miss our old life, are you kidding me? We had so much fun picking up and going and not being tied down. Talk about spontaneity we had it and absolutely loved it! BUT on the other hand I am in love with this new life. It has shown me how incredibly strong I am. It has taught me that I can move past those dark and scary moments all on my own with positive thoughts and prayer. I relish the sunlight even on those grey and cloudy days. I have never cried so many happy and sad tears. I am so thankful for Scarlett, she really brings out the best in me and sometimes the worst in me but quickly I remind myself that “I’VE GOT THIS!” Because we all know “motherhood” isn’t always sunny and peachy, it’s scary as hell and not to mention fricken HARD. But what this new life has taught me is to accept these dark moments, acknowledge them and then move past them. Postpartum depression my friends is NO JOKE it’s scary, it’s absolutely terrible and I wish that I did not suffer from it. BUT it does shape who I am. This is just something else that I can add to my list of accomplishments. I sometimes wish I was one of those Mothers that wanted 3, 4, 5 kids! But I can barely say I want to give Scarlett a sibling out loud…boy what a wake up call once you actually have a baby. I know this too shall pass and when it does I will be wishing I can go back😭

I am who I am and I am damn proud of it. I am an amazing mother, wife, daughter and friend. My yoga teacher told me that last week, she reminded me not to lose sight of how amazing I am. I believe that during this whole process I have slipped away from the “old” me. My husband reminded me as well that I didn’t necessarily go anywhere, I am still here just been hiding, on a hiatus. I want to make sure Scarlett knows her Mamma was a spitfire, IS a spitfire. That I accomplished so much! That I loved school and graduated with my Bachelor’s degree in Early Childhood Studies, my Masters and my Teaching degree! I want her to know that I worked my ASS off to get to where I am today. I don’t want her to be afraid to take risks. I want her to be relentless, challenge and question the societal norms. I want her to travel and see the beauty in different landscapes and immerse herself into diverse cultures like her Mamma.

I traveled to Africa and South America and gorgeous European cities. I want her to know I slept in a tent for a month in Tanzania in a rural village to help rebuild a school for children just like her and that I climbed Machu Picchu in Peru. I don’t want her selling herself short for noone. If she isn’t happy with who she’s with I want her to dig down deep and realize that she can make the change and to not be afraid of the “what if’s”. I sure as hell was petrified leaving a relationship where I invested 6 years but in the end it was the best decision of my life.

It scared me to leave, asking myself those “what if’s” we always associate them with negativity and fear but WHAT IF it actually worked out for you? I took that leap and life just fell into place😆

Don’t lose sight of who you are in this present moment. Yes, I miss my old life terribly and my carefree attitude but the kind of person and more importantly Mother I have become was because of how incredibly awesome I was before. I’m just a better version of it now.

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