I'll be your voice
I hosted my second Live the following week and it was just as good as the first. Actually it might have been even BETTER. The content surrounded postpartum depression from the spouses perspective. My husband sat in and shared his feelings and experiences about my journey and about HIS journey. We tend to dismiss our partners feelings not because we do not care about them but because we are not ourselves and our minds have completely taken over and do not have the capacity to think about another human being other than our offspring. My husband shared something that I will always remember "If I would have known me not being home and around right at the beginning would have caused for my wife to become depressed and not herself I would have never done this". He never did this on purpose. No. It was noone fault. I used to blame myself and everyone else around me. No. This is a gift, I truly believe that this journey was given to me to share with the world and to help so many women that society continues to silence because they do not fit into the "box" of Motherhood. I used to feel that I wasn't "mom" enough, "good" enough, but the reality is WE ARE ALL ENOUGH and we are surviving day in and day out. We talked about early signs of postpartum depression and what my husband noticed and how he approached the situation with me. It happened immediately with me, the minute Scarlett was born, I felt emptiness. As we were preparing to take her home I felt this void, this cold feeling all over my body. I began to cry uncontrollably in the car, I couldn't even look at her, nor felt that I was equipped to be her mother. He told me that maybe I should call my doctor (my pychiatrist) and I did the very next day. I've been seeing her every week for the past 18 months. The therapy sessions have helped me, however I needed more. I was still having those dark moments and I was still crying, a lot. So, post 14 months I began to take medication. It has changed my life. I am happy, I do not cry, I want to hang out with my baby (I really did not want to before). I am able to work through my triggers, I have less triggers to begin with which has been a Godsend. I am proactive when it comes to my vision and career and my communication with people has increased in a positive way. My self-confidence and self-esteem has gotten so much better and do I think the meds help...HECK YES. It's not just the medication, its the therapy and the focus on self-care.
A few questions I get asked a lot "do you think this will happen to you again if you have another baby?" Also, "do you think this will last forever?" I do not have solid answers to these questions. Both valid. However extremely hard to come up with a solid yes or no. They are objective. they are personal, it all depends on the person. My experiences will change as I move forward within this journey of mine. I think what is important and crucial is to keep the conversation going and to never stop talking and asking questions. By creating this platform for us to communicate and discuss difficult issues we are showcasing our truths, our strengths and our weaknesses. We all have a journey and path to leave a trail. Let's continue to do this together.
I am a very open person, sometimes people might think I share too much however I believe that my story, my thoughts that I say out loud will and are in fact helping people. The pain I endured, the grief, anguish and uncertainty I was faced with are all healing women that are silenced and afraid to speak their truth. My sole purpose with The Sizzlin and Livin Mamma is to provide them with a voice, also to guide and support them with the confidence that they too can speak their truth eventually. I believe that God only gives us situations that we can handle, He has a great deal of faith and trust in me, some days I would question His actions and plead as to WHY ME?! But now? I understand. I accept and I will move forward in peace and light.